“Therefore He has mercy on whom he will, and whose He wills he hardens”
I’ve wondered about the sovereignty of God in all of this; that some he has ordained – like Pharaoh – to be consigned to judgment that His “…name may be declared in all the earth.” Perhaps this explains my life-long struggle with faith; that I am not among the elect.
This isn’t going to devolve into abstract theological speculation about predestination. To borrow a terrible expression from a deeply confused population, I’m concerned with a “lived experience” of God’s sovereign rule.
Why is it that it seems that some Christians are on a magic carpet ride, while others struggle vehemently with themselves and knowing God? Could it be that some are just not chosen?
To make it more personal, why did I not respond to the gospel when I was younger? Was I really distracted by petty human concerns? I do recall resisting the prayer for salvation due to the threefold boyhood worries of a) being miserable like the other boys in church, b) having to marry an ugly girl, and c) having to be a missionary in Africa (which I knew nothing about – I just assumed it was awful). That was my childhood argument against eternal life.
Furthermore, why did I have parents that were emotionally unavailable such that I had no real experience or understanding of love, and that I could not recognize it in Christ? Why did I learn not to trust at such a young age and become somewhat of a loner? And that this would, in turn, feed into my struggles as a young Christian unable to trust possible mentors or peers? Put these experiences together with disordered relationships with women based on a hatred of my father, and wrap it around one of the most powerful areas of temptation for a man, and here was a ready-made prescription for slavery to sin – a slavery that would alienate him from God because he could not overcome it. He gave up fighting it.
I could go into further detail, but it looks like I possessed the perfect storm of childhood experiences, vices and psychological defects – with just enough of a searching intellect – to fail at following Christ. As if I were designed for disaster.
I do not blame God, though. The clay pot cannot complain about the Potter’s shaping. Well, it can, but it is nonsensical. Some are ordained to eternal separation from God so that the riches of his mercy might seem all the greater. No, even now, in this deep darkness, I actually feel no compulsion to make an excuse for a God who chooses in this manner, or the God of the Old Testament (as if He were somehow some other god). He is God. Did he wipe out entire people groups? Sure, they probably deserved it. As one might say, He had morally sufficient reasons for doing so.
Ultimately, the answer is likely irrelevant, as one’s response is the same either way: Your kingdom come, Your will be done.
Whether for mercy or wrath, Lord, I am yours. Into Your hands I commit my spirit.
SDA
Last Things 