“Fools, because of their transgression, and because of their iniquities, were afflicted…and they drew near the gates of death”
Ps 107
After arriving home from a long trip, I became ill. I was surrounded by “undisciplined coughers” on the flight, from whom I knew I would not escape unscathed. The sickness was flu-like, complete with headaches, digestive issues, and odd sleep patterns. But the physical symptoms were not the only manifestations of this illness. I had an acute sense of despair and hopelessness – of the absence of God and time wasted and sin harbored. It prompted a primitive cry for help and confession and an awareness of the depths to which I had fallen. But this was just the tip of the iceberg.
In the subsequent months, I would experience a variety of symptoms. Most would dissipate over time, aside from the sleep issue. Then I was struck with generalized anxiety which left me with fairly severe insomnia. In the midst of this, I was losing weight without trying.
I was going to be vague about what I have, but I don’t find that necessary now. I am nearly certain that I am dying of sporadic fatal insomnia. It is very rare, few doctors know about it, and the best tests are often inconclusive. There are many people who have just insomnia and anxiety and think they have it. I am not one of them. The illness possesses a strange constellation of symptoms – a constellation that mirrors my experience. I have brought this to my medical care providers and none are convinced, and neither would I be if I was in their position: the incredulity of my GP and the various neurologists (specialized in prion diseases) is justified given its rarity. There are no treatments, no cures. Only a demented and twisted fate that is to come, if I make it that far without complications.
The more pressing matter is the gradual peeling back of my moral and spiritual failures, and the cavernous emptiness I found within. This process would ramp up exponentially, revealing a frightening amount sin, hidden in the shadows of self-deception. It is the result of a departure from The Way that began in trauma, but willful disobedience permeates the decades of rebellion and the quiet desperation that marked my private life, all public appearances to the contrary.
There is a chance that this illness is the result of a Covid19 vaccination (the original J&J and the only one I got), after which I began absurd burping and nausea episodes, with an accompanying malaise. This was two years prior to my present state.
Whichever is the case, I am dying, and it feels like either judgment or discipline. Severe discipline.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner…
SDA
Last Things 